my "friend" just call me a hog. hm. lotz to think about. 

A new day, a new trauma.

I knew today was going to be stressful. I went to take care of some loose ends regarding my sudden termination. 

But don't you worry, guys, I got up, got dressed, and made myself presentable. Hyped myself up and left my house. 

And I think by this point you know nothing in my life goes quite as planned. As I'm out running my errand, I get a call from my grandpa. He's scared and telling me that he cut himself badly and he's bleeding A LOT. I look down at my gps I'm 50 minutes from the house. I call my aunt; she rushes there and takes him to the hospital. 

obvi at this point I'm headed to the ER.

The update from my auntie: she did a tourniquet (really well; she's now on my apocalypse team. Congrats on the promotion MiMi.) He's at the hospital and has to receive five stitches because he nicked an artery in his arm. 

By the time I get back to town, they're already finishing up my grandpa's ER visit. So, I head home to clean up the blood in the house before he returns. 

The kitchen was covered in blood; it was pretty scary realizing he was all alone as I pushed deeper into the house, knowing the scene had begun in the bathroom. His tools sprawled about the bathroom, just like normal; he always gets wrapped up in a home renovation project. But this time blood covers the space between tools. 

The tub. 

That's where it started, his scraper on the floor. His watch on the vanity, a trail of blood dripping off of it into the sink and on to the bathroom floor. The trail of blood showing every step he took. Stumbling through the house, making his way to the first aid kit. 

The towels that normally hang from the oven are now crumbled up in a bloody pile on the kitchen island. The first aid kit's contents were scattered throughout the kitchen.

Playing back his voice in the car, "Can you hear me? You there? I-- I uh cut myself, it's really bad--uh there's a lot of blood everywhere." 

I know he's fine now, laughing even. I mean, the moment he got home, he was telling my aunt to finish the task he left off. He walked into me cleaning the bathroom 

"I leave you alone for five minutes, what the heck." 

"I'm telling you, babe." 

But I'm washing the blood out of your apple watch band and know you were so mad trying to figure out how to take if how to stop the bleeding. I've washed my hands three times, but I can still smell the blood. 

But you're okay. I can hear you in the bathroom now, working. You're so stubborn, I guess that's where I get it. This morning you were telling how proud you were that I stood up for myself and that I was your girl. 

You're damn right, I'm your girl. 

did i mention it's my pups birthday today? He would have been 10 years old. He died suddenly this past October but don't worry buddy I wore your ashes today because I knew if you were there with me i'd feel better. you've always been so protective of me, dont worry handsome boy you're still saving me.

all dogs go to heaven <3 

I'm not just sad; I'm devastated.

I was right; I was fired today.

I don't even know what to say. I don't know what to do. All the words in my brain, and I can't quite capture how I'm feeling or what I'm thinking. 

I'm trying to pinpoint where everything went wrong, when it was decided that I am someone I'm not. 

I'm replaying a lot of little moments from the past few years in my head, and I'm frustrated. I'm not just sad; I'm devastated. I feel so gross inside my heart.

Like if you had allowed me to grow and "correct" my mistakes instead of deciding I was expendable and difficult, but they didn't.

The idea that people feel "unsafe" with me because of predicaments I was put in with no tools or guidance. I was just doing my best with the knowledge I had. With the tools I was left with. 

I have to throw up. 

To be, or not to be, that is my question.

impending doom

 me again, 

i can’t lie guys i feel so sick. My meeting, you know the one where im 99% sure im getting fired, is in less than an hour, and im definitely not okay. 

I’m just going to focus on not bawling my eyes out, staying true to my character, taking responsibility for mistakes I've made (not that they are worthy of being fired, but I digress), and letting life take the course it’s supposed to. 

It's weird though I’m caught between two options I suppose; not giving up and fighting and letting life take its course. 

What do I do? 

I guess in one hour we’ll find out. Who will I decide to be the girl who lets people get away with treating her poorly and using her life force because she’s so passionate about the business she helped create and run for a decade or a girl who won’t let people treat her poorly but has nothing but a fresh start and no job. 

mood

 and in the middle of this drama... my love life is a disaster; my career is a joke, and my self-esteem is at an all-time low. Like, can anything go right??? It seriously feels like my life is crashing down. 

The worst part is? My birthday is coming up, and instead of being excited, I kinda just want to disappear off the face of the Earth.

(In like an Our Lips Are Sealed kind of way, where I'm shipped off in the witness protection program and relocate to a new cooler life where I meet a cute boy, solve a crime and live happily ever after.) 

But instead, I am doomed to this cursed timeline. 

xoxo, 

a girl who is so totally over it. 

It gets worse before it gets better

 Welp, little life update. 

I am totally getting fired. And you know what that frikkin sucks. My boss has called me in for a meeting this week to "discuss my future" with the company. Now I know what you're thinking. 

That doesn't necessarily mean I'm being fired, and to that I say, it does if you know the facts. 

Within the last year, I have been in some back and forth between my job and me, in which I basically was like I don't like how you guys treat me (A LONG STORY), and I find the daily operations of the company to be unorganized and often disrespectful to my position at the company. 

To which they gave the generic "we hear you and understand and value you blah blah blah, corporate lingo to placate me," and like an idiot I trusted things would get better. 

OH BOY WAS I WRONG. 

Instead, they just isolated me from the rest of the company, docked my pay and basically just started ignoring me and restricting my duties and access to company info.

So, like I guess I'll let you know what happens. The worst part is that I love this company and I have put so much effort and poured my heart and soul into developing a community. And now I'm here because I wanted to stand up for myself. 

About Me ♡

Once upon a time, I was a girl who thought she had everything figured out. I built dreams, chased goals, loved deeply, and believed that being honest and working hard was enough to keep it together, 

Life had different plans. 

Somewhere along the way, everything I worked for, everything I loved, slipped through my fingers. The person I thought I was, she's gone. 

I find myself spiraling, trying to make sense of a life I no longer recognize. 

But now I'm not searching for perfection. I'm searching for me. 

This next chapter is not about having all the answers or being the girl, everyone thought I was-- it's about learning to love me, even at my lowest. It's going to be messy, and honest but it will be real.

If you're here, you're meeting me somewhere in the middle of my comeback, one imperfect step at a time